“Hello?”
“Hello, Mr Speaker. Good morning.”
“Morning; please who is this?”
“This is Wadata”
“ Wadata?”
“Yes, Wadata Plaza? “
“You can’t be a plaza, please can you identify yourself? It is late already? “A chuckle at the other end. The Speaker tries to figure out whose voice this is. ‘Yes. I know this voice. I know him. What does he want with me again? And why is he claiming to be a party secretariat when he is actually the party. At least, that is what we have seen in recent years.’
“Hello. Are you there?” the voice asks as the Speaker puts his inner self on full alert.
“Yes. I’m here, Your Excellency .”
“Can you see now that I am not dumb, that I know what to do and when to do it?”
“I don’t understand.”A beep on the phone tells him he is being recorded at the other end. He presses the record key on his own phone.
“You do. At least you know now that you have become an ex. I have sacked you…or rather you have sacked yourself. ..” The Speaker laughs. The caller laughs too.
“You cannot sack me. The constitution is very clear. Even if you are not a lawyer, you can read the words as clearly stated on how the Speaker can be removed- get two thirds of the members and you have got me. But that must be on the floor of the House, not through a kangaroo press release as you did on Thursday as if we are in Burkina Faso. No, sir…”
“Who is talking about sacking you as Speaker? You have removed yourself from the House even as a member. Or is that not what the constitution says- Section 68 (1) (g)…It says you shall lose your seat if you leave the party that sponsored your election. It is not my fault. It is not the fault of the police too; they have a duty to enforce the law…”
“And issuing a press release against the number four citizen is part of that duty of the police?”
“ Whatever! The law respects no one, especially those who treat it with contempt and disdain. If I were you, I wouldn’t have committed that act of sacrilege. I made you Speaker and you turned round to bite my finger.”
“I can’t understand that bit of you making me Speaker. You did not.”
“Oh! So, how did you become Speaker?”
“You know how. I defeated your candidate. The House made me Speaker, not your beastly party.”
“Oh! I see. So, you think your wisdom delivered that seat to you? Interesting. Have you forgotten you came out of hiding to contest that post? The EFCC was looking for you, remember? You think I didn’t know where you hid before you were smuggled into the House that day by the rascals and their governors? Indeed, someone suggested we should prevent you from entering the House that day but I said no, they should let you be.” The caller laughs again. What are these people taking me for? I remember I allowed this ingrate to contest and win because I wanted to cut that Baba to size. Now, he and the same old man are hobnobbing, plotting amateurish plots against me. Because my river makes no noise, they don’t know it sweeps away impudent swimmers. They will soon know who they are dealing with.
“Have you finished? I need to sleep?”
“Sleep? There is no sleep again. Anyone who did what you just did ought to know that sleep has taken a permanent flight from his eyes.”
“Really? The baby that vows not to allow its mother to sleep, will it sleep too? If you have seen farmers sun-drying their cocoa beans before, you would know that they get dried with the beans.”
“Meaning what?”
“Meaning, you won’t sleep too. Unlike you, I have my eyes in 360 places across the country.”
“And that means what?”
“Meaning, I can create 360 problems in one night…”
“ So, you think all 360 members of the House are with you?”
“ But you said you were smart. Did you hear one sound of opposition when I announced my membership of the APC? In the House I lead, we do not believe in any party nonsense. What we know is a House that is bound in common interest. I hope you’ll appreciate that fact before it is too late.”
“ Anyway, I just called to greet and sympathise with you on your exit from the House.”
“Exit from which House? Anyway, what are nights for? Are they not meant for sleeping and dreaming? Continue dreaming. By December 3, you will see.”
“See what? My friend, a new Speaker will emerge next week.”
“The House is on break, you know. Motion moved by the leader of your party in the House and seconded by the next in hierachy.”
“I know, but…”
“But what? The House rules are clear. We adjourned properly. Anyone who wants to meet is free to meet, that won’t be the House; it’ll be what the Yoruba people call Alawada.”
“You and your Yoruba friends. They are teaching you their language already. Alawada? That means jester, right?”
“So, you know the meaning. That is the exact thing you want to do. An act stand-up comedians do to entertain bored Lagosians.”
“ Lagos? Can you go and sleep now? But remember, I did not sack you, the constitution did. It says once you leave your party, you shall vacate your seat…The police interpreted it correctly.”
“So, you have forgotten your elementary Government: Separation of Powers. The Legislature legislates; the Executive executes; the Judiciary adjudicates and interprets the law. Or are your police now the courts? …Let me ask you, what is the punishment the law prescribes for an act of premeditated murder?”
“Premeditated murder? The punishment is death! Who has committed murder so I tell the police to arrest and charge him to court?”
“Interesting. I expect you to ask the police to apply the law by arresting and killing the offender with immediate effect… “
“ No. That would be another murder…”
“Exactly. That is what you and your police are doing to me…”
“Dan Iskar!” the caller intones in unsteady Hausa as he drops the call.
Culled from Nigerian Tribune
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